English chef wanted: No experience req.

The English eat food the way they make love.
With their hand.

The most popular food in Britain is the kebab.
After that, it's the burger.
After that, it's battered fish.
After that, it's chips.
When do you suppose they break out the knife and fork?
At home. Over fish fingers and potatoe smileys with ketchup?

How can a country so close to Culinary Empires such as France and Italy sustain itself with a national cuisine of such misery? Even if we pretend traditional Engilsh fare is eaten by anyone aside from tourists, we still have little more than steak and kidney pie, bangers and mash and toad-in-the-ole. Imagine taking a first date out to an english restaurant and trying to get lucky on a menu of sausage meat and boiled potato.

"Ooh fancy. They deep fried it an everyfink"

And it's not just the food in pubs that's just plain wrong. I checked the meat content on a bag of Marks & Spencer basic pork sausages this morning and found it's meat content was just below 47% pork.

That's not really a basic pork sausage is it.
Less than half pork.
That's like me claiming I'm a basic 12 foot man.

"How tall are you?"
"Bascially, I'm 12 foot tall. Some of it is me, 'bout 47%, and the rest is something else"

And it get's worse. Marks & Spencer are the fancy supermarket over here. I went to Sainsbury's and found the pork content of their Basic Pork Sausages was 32%. Less than a third!!
LESS.

At what point do we say, this is not meat.
1%?
Half a percent?
At what point does the label go from "Pork Sausage" to "Not really pork sausage" "Pork Sausage. (Just kidding, it's mostly sawdust")

So what is in an English sausage if it isn't meat? Giblets? Guts? If only.
It's sausage substitute. It's called Rusk.
Part wheat, part gluten, and a sprinking of Amonium Carbonate for that taste of your childhood.

Consider that for a moment.
The English sausage, (itself a substitute for meat) is mostly filled with a substitute for sausage.

And here's the kicker. The sausage is Englands pride. It's the banger in the mash. It's what makes a full english, full. And they can't even get that right.
You pathetic bastards.
I mean I've eaten some bad hot dogs in my time, but I can tell you, more than one in three bites had meat in it.

England, your food makes me sad.