I've only been to one state fair in my life. It was in Texas and I went because the Texas State Fair is famous for deep frying things in hot oil. They deep fried a mars bar, ice cream, fruit, cookies. I even saw a deep friend salad. I didn't eat it, but they definately deep fried it. It was about the most disgusting thing I'd seen in my life.
This weekend, I went to the Innocent Smoothies Fete in London, (Fete is British for fair), and can say that while I didn't see anything deep fried in hot oil, I certainly saw a lot of sweaty fat. Acres of it in fact. The sun was out, and so the vast gastropods that inhabit this isle buffed down and exposed the world to their mounds of glistening, sloppy gut flesh, their dimpled greasy thighs and their sparse "pube on a soap bar" chests and bellies.
It was like a giant, lard coloured lava lamp with BO. Were it not for my iron strong constitution, I'd have vomited more or less continuously.
It was a strange site really. The fete was kind of like a little window into the suicidally depressing world of the British public. At American state fairs, we usually have a few attractions such as a bearded woman, there's sometimes a stuntman jumping a bus, there's plenty of hot dogs and beer, and at the very least, there's always a ferris wheel, which is kind of silly, but is always good fun.
The British take on the state fair is a little different. They have ferret racing. This involves taking some lengths of PVC piping, cellotaping it together and pushing the ferrets into the tube and then waiting for them to come out the other end. I know you won’t believe this, but I’ll report it anyway…the PVC piping is NOT transparent, so the result of the entertainment, is that a small, wet rat is placed in one end of a tube and then we all wait for it to emerge from the other end, cheer and, (in the case of the couple standing in front of me) perform a synchronized fart and leave.
Good grief.
But the depths of this day were not limited to mere rodent abuse. There was all kinds mindkilling entertainment. There was a dog agility course, which involved middle aged British women, (or men, who can tell at that age) choke dragging their poor dogs around an obstacle course. There was the usual beige of English people queing in line for something gadawful, (the Pimms line was about 4 light years long). There was maypole dancing, which had British people clapping and smiling at what amounted to little more than a group of children wrapping ribbons around a pole. Sweet, maybe. Interesting. Possibly not. Worth the five pound admission charge. No.
But the real part of this day that I wanted to share with you, was the VIP area. British people are nothing if not class conscious paedophiles, so even their state fairs, godawfully boring as they are, still have a little section where everyone can scurry away to and say, “Well, yes, it was rubbish, but I got into the VIP area. I think I saw Harry”.
Idiots.
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3 comments:
I was at the Innocent Fat Fest too! I thought parks were supposed to be relaxing, but Regent's Park was swarming with fat parents with varying degrees of chromosomal abnormalities and their fatty offspring throwing rubbish on the ground.
Duke of NY, I'm still waiting for you to do a post on any of the following:
a) why are the majority of English women are born without a neck? Really, their chins angle downward into some loose wad of turkey flesh, but no neck!
b) why do the majority of English women torture me with their huge, pale, fat, lumpy breasts on display for the whole world to see? Mothers who ought to know better? Giant breasts on display! Teenagers with breasts the size of watermelons? Out for the chav boys to oggle! Hordes of fat, smoking blonde women with badly dyed blonde hair and billowing tops to cover up their gigantic bellies? Vomit.
c) does everyone smoke in this city? they must hand out a complimentary carton of cigarrettes to every pregnant woman in town (oh, and they toss in a spare one for the newborn too, got to get them started early).
Some great points there Anon. The first is an easy question. Biologically, the human being is a survival machine. We evolve useful traits, while the less useful traits die off. In the case of the British Neck-Face syndrome English women AND men suffer from, it is the bodies efforts to swallow the ugly head that causes the average Brit to be so universally reviled. With a swallowed head, they can't talk their boring conversation, publically pick their nose, dig inside their hairy ears, they're mouthfull-of-tombstone smiles are hidden and the overall vomit inducing aesthetic of the British face is put into stealth mode. Over the next thousand years, British people will evolve into an amorphous blob of fat and pork scratchings. Which is a good thing.
The attitude English people have to smoking is as enlightened as their ideas about virtually everything else, which is to say, not at all. Most British people believe we still live in 1935 and are too timid to change this mindset. If you think of England a little like a time machine jammed in 1935, you'll find most of the perplexing behaviour makes sense.
As for the cleavage I'm not sure what to say. Englishmen men spend so much time masturbating, and are so frightened of women that the poor girls over here really do have to hunt them down, amazon style. It's such a pity. The woman over here have to work so hard to attract the lowest form of man in the world.
I hope this clear things up
H. R. Bjeteman.
Arrogant, conceited nationalism: US citizens have a general attitude that they are rich because they are superior. This is totally explicitly stated, especially on ceremonial occasions. The reason the USA is rich is for many reasons, including very successful exploitation of other countries, the fact that they came into World Wars I and II very late when other countries were exhausted, the geographical isolation of the USA, the fertile land which they took from the indigenous people (whom they largely exterminated), and their homogeneous language and culture.
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