Come on London, let's build a future.

I have an idea.

Why don't you English people channel all that frustration and hate you have at immigrants and tourists and the irish and George Bush and the germans and Steve McLaren and all that crap into making some improvements to your city. I'll even pitch in.

Because I gotta tell you, England's got a lot of history, but I don't see much of a future.

Just calm down a minute, this is some good advice.

You've got a city where noone can afford to buy houses. Your food sucks, and you find reasons to hate everyone, whether it's a Polish immigrant "stealing your job" or the the Chelsea fan who lives next to you, and you support Arsenal. You love to get angry, you love to pissed off, you love to have someone to hate. It makes you feel strong. I know I was a toddler once too. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. A.A Gill has too.

Everyone's always pissed off at something, your trains are packed with angry people all the time. You're high school Your high school students graduate and they can’t read or write worth a damn and you all congratulate yourselves for the achievements of soldiers in some distant war a hundred years ago that you yourselves had absolutely nothing to do with and think that it excuses you for the fact that you’ve let a global empire piss right through your hands and you did nothing to stop it.

You bundle all your national pride into whether of not a soccer coach can train a team to win a game of soccer against Croatia or whether some guy can win a rugby game or not. Why don’t you try taking pride in your cities? Why not cheer on your literacy rates? God knows there's a competition you'd win against America.

Build a rail system that works, or at least one that isn’t so fucked up it’s the punchline in a backpackers joke when they get back home and tell people what a shithole London is. Work out how to get people onto the property ladder so they don’t have to live with their parents until they’re 40. Fix the pollution so you don’t have to wipe soot from your nose everytime you walk the streets of London.

And if you don't mind me suggesting this, it wouldnl;t hurt to do something about your teeth. It’s a small thing, but the whole world is laughing at you, (I mean damn, when you get laughed at by both Homer Simpson AND Peter Griffin, you know something’s wrong). You don;t have to be Donny Osmond, but jesus, if your teeth are brown, try a stronger brand of toothpaste.

Learn about sex, you don’t have to be ashamed, I mean sure you’re fucking ugly but then if you’re with a fellow Brit, chances are so is she, so just go for it). And lay off the online porn. Try talking to a woman. Some of them are quite nice.

And man, I cannot stress this enough. You’ve got to stop ending every argument with, “if you don’t like it go home”. It’s worse than American censorship.

You don’t have to get defensive about the shitty bits of London (and there are fucking tonnes of them), hell America is full of fat people who don’t know how to work the volume control on their fucking mobile phone. I can say that because I know it’s true and it doesn’t faze me. You just look like wankers when you take every criticism and use it as an excuse to dredge up some ancient prejudice your dad told you about whatever country the person who criticised you came from.

I know you all adore Bill Hicks because he gave you some funny new shit to say about Americans that you couldn;t think of yourself,
BUT
I'll end with a quote from him.

“calm down, sit, read, think, shut the fuck up”

This has been a public service announcement from the Duke of New York.
And it comes with love.
See, I didn't use the word Limey or turd once.

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