For sale, one chariot, (low swinging kind). Wheels came off. Again.

30 million English fans watched the Rugby World Cup decider on Saturday night, and with hands clasped in prayer, a nation prayed that somehow, some way, the Worst World Champions the rugby world has ever seen would defend their crown.

With true grit and determination, the English side bravely fought the Glorious Springboks. And with true grit and determination, they bravely had their asses kicked repeatedly and were belted into a proper thrashing, losing 15 points to 6.

It was not the fairy tale ending this rag tag band of misfits and old aged pensioners had hoped for. In a contest that saw their chances of winning reduced to 80-1, you’ve got to take your hat off to them.

No one thought they could do.
And boy, they were fucking right.

On the field, the Cowardly Lions never looked a chance. The Glorious Springboks hammered them mercilessly, leaving an aging Phil Vickery lying on the ground weeping, after taking a brutal collision on the try line. Commentators remarked he looked dazed from the belting, but more likely it was the disorientation most English players feel when standing anywhere near a try line.

Despite their sheer bloody minded gritty determination, both Jason Robinson and Phil Vickery were forced to limp, painfully from the field after the sheer weight of their enormous British hearts overflowed with grit and determination. The fact that Victor Matfield had just run over both of them in a vehicle best described as “The Pain Train” had nothing to do with their dazed, semi-concussed appearance, as they staggered off the field into the row of wheelchairs beside the English bench, and were wheeled, presumably, into a retirement home.

England’s strategy of boring everyone to death with their style of play failed to produce results as the margin stretched to 15-6. The England side has spent years perfecting a style of rugby so perfectly tedious and unexciting, thousands of their own determined, diehard fans were forced to leave the stadium with true grit and determination, ten minutes before the game ended.

Controversy arose in the second half when the video referee that ruled against England’s one and only try for the entire competition, was accused of being Australian. The camera in question was manufactured in Japan, but is believed to have several parts made from minerals exported from Australia some years before. An investigation by the English Police is currently being conducted under the name, “Operation Crybaby”

The American Rugby team was in France awaiting a call from England Coach. Given the track record Britain has for fighting off the enemy while in France, the Americans remained on hand to step in at the last minute to bail the English out the World Cup in much the same way they bailed them out of World Wars one and two.

But the British were having none of it. This was going to be a rugby game fought by real men who take real drop goals. And if they were going down, it wasn’t going to be without a fight. Albeit, a piss weak fight that they lost, after fighting poorly and then having their asses kicked repeatedly by the Glorious Springboks.

For the fans, it was a bitter defeat. Thousands of England supporters had arrived in Paris dressed in traditional English costumes to support their team. Beefeaters, Churchill look-alikes, even Medieval Knights turned up full attire. Walking from the game in defeat, they simply looked like wankers as they made their sad way to the nearest pub to wallow in their defeat. To lose a final is bad enough, but to do it while dressed like a twat in a Morris Dancer’s costume. Man, that’s gotta hurt

And, as if to add urine to an already pissed on defeat, thousands of England fans were forced to spend the night on the street after the All Blacks successfully destroyed every hotel room within thirty miles of the capital. Some say this was merely a coincidence, but wily observers have commented it was yet another example of brilliant New Zealand Rugby creativity in preparation for World Cup 2011.

French hoteliers and pub landlords welcomed the British losers back to the capital with chants of “Non parlay Englais, Losers” and in a heart warming display of cross chanel relations, gouged them mercilessly, charging 36 Euros a pint and then calling the police when the losers failed to pay up. Losers.

In the end it all came down to a single point. And that was that England lost. No amount of woulda-shoulda-coulda post game analisys will change the fact that they lost, and will be remembered throughout history as the Worst World Champions, Ever.

As the man who is known as “the guy who scores all of England’s points by kicking them” said: “We gave it the best we had”

And as the game pointed out, it just wasn’t good enough.

Losers.